Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
