In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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