then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
