I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
