So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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