Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize