i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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