Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize