Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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