there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
