HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
