It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
