we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
