Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
