My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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