Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
