I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize