I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm too high and old for this...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
