I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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