I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
