What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
