tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I think my moral compass just broke
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