she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
false alarm, still single
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
