Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
