I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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