if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
