ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
