Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
