Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
