I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
home. puking in laundry basket.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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