i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
