just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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