Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
