theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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