Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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