I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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