I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
