he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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