I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
