my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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