I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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