Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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