ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have aggressive nipples.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
