wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
