Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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