She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize