At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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