What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
