I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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