oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
