I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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