Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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