Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
