I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
