woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize