Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
