Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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