I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
