I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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