I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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