You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
