Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
