If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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