I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
