I just cut my nipple shaving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Terrible idea I love it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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