Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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