kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
